my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
