I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
is that a dick in a sweater?
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