Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
