Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
