just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My bed smells like the plague
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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