we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
