My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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