He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
