This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
