I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
