If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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