I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize