I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
