I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
