in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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