I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
