I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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