If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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