I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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