So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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