So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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