So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
