Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
