why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I stole a fireplace last night.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
