A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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