Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
