does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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