I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
