So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
