I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
