Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
