At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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