if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
