i don't plan on having that self control this summer
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
