did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
