i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
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I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
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Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.