allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
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She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..