i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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