She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
