I smell stomach acid.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
