she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
