It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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