my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
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