You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
false alarm, still single
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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