there was a trapeze. enough said
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
