My liver just broke up with me...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
