So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
