dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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