I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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