He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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