I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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