you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
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So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
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Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
how drunk are you?
Several
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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