college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The best revenge is premature balding
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
