my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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