He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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