Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Is it because I queefed?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
