I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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