you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
