there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
