You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
